Going through a divorce can be an emotionally difficult process for the entire family. To help navigate this time of uncertainty and change, you might consider discernment or pre-divorce counseling.
- Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling is a type of relationship therapy that helps couples who are unsure about their relationship’s future. The goal of discernment counseling is to help couples make informed decisions about their relationship; that decision might be to continue the relationship, taking a break to make a decision later on, or to proceed with the divorce process. How do you know if discernment counseling might be a good option for you and your spouse? Therapists often refer to the leaning-out/leaning-in relationship scenario. In such a scenario, one spouse is unsure or ambivalent about staying married because they are considering a divorce. This is the spouse who is “leaning-out” of the relationship; they have not fully made a decision regarding the future of the relationship, but they’re leaning out. The other spouse is interested in staying in the relationship, is not seeking a divorce, and is interested in attending therapy or counseling sessions to try to work on the relationship. The is the “leaning-in” spouse.
When the two spouses are in different places emotionally (one spouse is leaning-out and the other spouse is leaning-in), discernment counseling is a good option because it fulfills both spouses. The leaning-out spouse is supported in their current emotional state while facilitating communication and goal-setting for the leaning-in spouse. This type of therapy accepts the uncertainty that the couple is experiencing together rather than trying to over-come or override it. The goal of discernment therapy is to provide the couple with clarity and confidence in direction for the marriage — which means that the goal might not always be reconciliation. This clarity and confidence is based on working through what has occurred in the marriage and each person’s participation in creating those problems. This therapy can open communication for the couple. This clarity, direction, and communication can open up the possibility of reconciliation and continuation of the relationship, but it can also help the couple determine that the best thing for both of them would be to end the relationship. While that realization might be a difficult one, the discernment therapy has already put the couple back in a place of open communication which can make the divorce process and co-parenting (if children are involved) easier.
- Pre-Divorce Counseling
If the couple is not experiencing the lean-in/lean-out model, they might have come to the realization on their own that the relationship should end. Pre-divorce counseling can be a useful tool in this situation even if the goal of the counseling is not reconciliation. A pre-divorce counselor or therapist can help the couple plan for the future and teach them how to communicate in a peaceful way so they can find the best solutions to the problems ahead.
There are a number of benefits to pre-divorce counseling for the couple. First, pre-divorce counseling can result in better communication between the partners generally. Couples who have determined that they should divorce might not even be able to have a conversation. Being able to talk to your spouse can significantly decrease the level of contention in a divorce. Second, pre-divorce counseling can help the couple learn to communicate in a peaceful and civilized way about problems. There are likely to be disagreements as to children’s issues and property issues in a divorce but having the ability to work through those differences and come to a resolution can make the divorce process easier. Third, pre-divorce counseling can help the couple come up with a plan which can help reduce anxiety around the many unknowns that come with getting divorced. Couples who have made the decision to divorce have a number of decisions to make regarding their property and their children, but pre-divorce counseling can help the couple come up with a plan.
- Other Benefits of Pre-Divorce Counseling
The ability to communicate, and do so peacefully, can not only lessen the emotional toll a divorce takes on the couple, but can also save the couple money in the divorce case. The more anger and ill-will that the parties have towards each other at the beginning of the divorce process, the more contentious the case is likely to be. The more contentious the case is, the more money each party will likely spend in the case. If you are able to communicate peacefully with your spouse, you can make your own agreement as to your property and children without even needing to attend a formal mediation. This can save you thousands of dollars. Even if your ability to communicate and compromise is not quite at this level, pre-divorce counseling can help you and your spouse be more amenable to reaching settlement terms in the mediation process during the divorce case. Being able to work through problems and disagreements relating to your property and children (a skill your will have learned in pre-divorce counseling) can help you and your spouse come to an agreement in mediation. This can save you significant money by avoiding the need for a final trial.
Pre-divorce counseling can also majorly benefit your children. When you and your spouse are able to communicate peacefully and work together to problem solve, you present a united front to your children. While you and your spouse may not be able to remain married, your ability to communicate and compromise can help to lessen the emotional impact of the divorce on your children. Kids can experience guilt and anxiety when their parents are going through a divorce. One of the best ways you can help reduce these feelings in your children is to co-parent well. The skills you learn in pre-divorce counseling can help you facilitate a healthy co-parenting relationship during and after the divorce for the benefit of your children.
Lastly, pre-divorce counseling can help lessen your own anxiety, guilt, and pain by laying the foundation for the healing process for yourself. When you have made the decision to get divorced from your spouse, you can be honest in the pre-divorce counseling sessions about what went wrong in the marriage without fearing what impact such honesty will have on your relationship with your spouse. You also get the benefit of hearing your spouse’s view of what happened. Coming face to face with your own contributions to the downfall of the relationship can be an opportunity for learning and growth in the next step of life. Pre-divorce counseling can also show you the importance of having a therapist or counselor to help guide you through the massive change the divorce will have on your own life. It might show you that you would benefit from counseling or therapy sessions on your own to process the divorce.
There is a misconception that any type of marriage counseling is the final nail in the coffin of a relationship; if you’re in counseling, the next step is a divorce. This is simply not true. If your marriage is in an uncertain place, consider discernment counseling to determine with your spouse what your next step should be: reconciliation, a break, or a divorce. Even if both spouses determine divorce is the next best step, pre-divorce counseling offers a number of benefits for not only you but your family as well.
To learn more about the divorce process, consult with one of our Texas family law attorneys.